t-20

I have no clue how to title this post, as it will likely be a bit or rambling with some made up words and halfthoughts, but oh well, i'm bored. heh.

Just got back from the valley last night. Drove out with Katrina (a Hampshire love), Casey (a Hampshire alum, sick poet providing much inspiration and good conversation love) and Mickey (my Umass GCD [wow, I hate that class so much] facilitator) who works like in my building so we see each other like everyday. I will always stand by the statement that the best part of GCD was the other Women of Color I met there and Mickey, who was hilarious and supportive throughout. Spent the weekend with the Bear, went to Sparky's surprise b-day party Saturday which was beautiful, and then Divad and Thanu came up the next day. We all bumped into J Kim before we left, so it was super cute and family love all over. I got to meet up with my friend Anne from GCD, and have coffee and chill with Raul, who'll be final semester Div Three next time I see him, most likely (yiiiikes) but whom I look up to a LOT.

Also, I leave for South Africa in TWENTY days.

ALSO, I got a SCHOLARSHIP that will make life so.much.easier. abroad.

But my musings on travel have totally been impacted by this development. Given the currency rate, and the fact that this scholarship comes in the form of a check, written to me, to spend how I wish... I mean, man. I'm gonna be the rich american traveler. I'm not rich. I'm BROKE. I've got the privileges that come with an american passport, but I am also not the typical american, obviously. I strongly identify with groups that have for centuries been denied the benefits awarded american citizens and that's real. But so is my passport that comes with a flyer that says that with this little blue book, the world is MINE. seriously? that's a bit too manifest destiny for my tastes but again, what's more american than that?


Raul asked me if I was scared. No one' asked me that yet. Yes, I'm terrified. I've been through a lot and overcome a lot, but this is new for me. I've done the courtrooms, the couches, the juggling, the ducking...I've got certain skills/habits/ways of life that I've adopted or co-opted, or developed because of what I've been through. But after a year like this past one, going off by myself seems at once perfectly brilliant and perfectly insane.

I spoke to this kid at work last week who spent this past spring in Durban. We got on Google maps and he zoomed in to show me the best beaches and mountains and streets he'd seen in South Africa. He told me about his travels and the friends he made, and I wonder how much my experience in South Africa will compare to this white Cornell grad's. My race will play out differently. duh. My class is different, but in this context will that matter? A value fry at McDonald's in SA is the equivalent of 12 cents here. I've got Nancy's support and now this scholarship. I'll be loaded beyond my wildest dreams. My gender must play out differently. In order to remain eligible for this scholarship, I had to read what the US Consulate wants american's going to SA, where I was reminded that SA is the rape capital of the world. It's both maddening how "american" my views can be because of what I'm force fed: rape, aids, robbery. That's not what I want to think about when i think of my trip tot he motherland at ALL, but that's also reality. Those stats are just stats, but they're real.

SO beyond my anxiety over travel and privilege, I'm still thinking of this concept of home and space and global citizenship.

Then...sitting in the Bear cave this weekend it dawned on me: I start SCHOOL in twenty days. yes, I'm going home, getting my sankofa on, breaking boundaries and discovering new things. But yo, I got class son. That hit ya girl HARD this wknd. I plan to be on.my.grind. in SA so i gotta get in the zone. But thinking about that made me think about what I've been prepared for. Casey said, when speaking about Division III, that Hampshire teaches you to become a sprinter and then expects you to run a Marathon. You take four classes, write fifteen pages for each class, you get an eval. But Div three, it's you, a year, and a hundred blank pages waiting for your independent genius.

I started thinking about mission and everything that Deborah got famous for and wanted us to get out of school. I found articles about Deb's school in harlem from the year before I was born, and then one about Mission Dennisse and Jonathan are quoted, auntie Priscilla is in there, and Kelly's little sister is used an example. Mission was good for me and I thank GOD for the people I met there. Julie and Lani are fam till the end, no doubt, and Mission gave me that. Then I think about winsor, how much I hated that place and how much resentment I still hold towards it. Education is funny man...I've done private, public, charter, pilot, african based, new england, rural north carolina...and my sisters can add boarding and state uni's to the list. Soon, I'll add international... back to exams and tests? I can't be sure. I'm trying to get into jewelry making and photo as well as two language courses and some ill history ones. Creative Writing I think I'll pursue on my own. But seriously, I'm gonna be in school real.soon.

had a great talk with Connie last night, to end a good weekend of good talks. I love being home. I need my people, that support that I can only get when I'm in the bean with my girls and when i can spend time and revive myself by being in that environment. but this weekend of being around chill people with good conversation and no drama totally reminded me of why I like Hampshire sometimes. ewww. but it is true. I enjoy the conversation, they kinds of questions, the lack of judgement, they ways people think and analyze... I'll miss that...

...I also realized i need to take my behind off campus. i don't wanna do the mod things anymore at school. I want to be able to have some physical space from school so that I can separate my home life a little more. I'll be twenty one and ready to do the commuter thing. I've been ready to be on my own since I was forced at 14 to be on my own, and I've been blessed with help by so many people that I know that after seven years of living in someone else's home and feeling like a constant visitor in so many places, I'm ready to have my own place. Nancy bought me a car that makes life so much easier, so I can look for apartments that are cheap and a ways away from the school/bus routes.

I just got a text from Connie, our big sis Emily is leaving her husband and coming up here today! Other than the obvious extra time to spend with my niece, I'm happy that Em is doing what she needs to do for herself. I know that's a tough call to make and I watched my mother go through a similar situation, so I'm proud of her and excited to see them. I love spending time with my nice and nephew, especially together because they are just hilarious and sweet. I wonder how long it'll take them to get here from Philly... feast is at 7:45 tonight and I haven't been to a feast in SOOOOO long. I'm really happy to be back in Cambridge with the Bahia's. Also, I'm really excited to be part of the Cape Town Baha'i community too.

OK, I feel like the string tying all of my rambling together is thinning, so I'm ending this post with my idea for freshmen orientation tees:

"You are joining this program already in progress". They really are. everyone they see has already hooked up with everyone else, there's drama under every seemingly clean dorm mattress, and things will continue to change and develop. They best thing is to jump right in knowing you're not at all caught up yet...

paz.

craa-aack

Breaking in, breaking out, blogging to an as of yet non existent audience. I'm living on a line these days, doing things I want to do, have always wanted to do, but somehow am not sure if I agree with. This blog is one of them. It's great to have a place to put my thoughts, catalog my craziness, and share with the ones I love. In preparation for for my semester abroad in South Africa, I thought it would be a good idea to make a blog and commit to it. I'll have my journal while I'm there, but no one knows B like I know B, and I can see myself all the way over there, not really connecting with the people I love over here, and going crazy because of it all. I tend to get on my own independence/loneliness tip when I'm on my own where I know I can handle myself by myself, but I miss those I love dearly and feel guilty and horrible when I don't have that connection. BUT...alas, none of those people even know I have a Blog yet...we think we'll let them know soon.

Today was the Parade, the "rolling rally" if you will and as a lifetime C's fan, I was obviously in the crowd. I. LOVE. BASKETBALL. And to me, the Celtics ARE basketball. But I wouldn't be B if I weren't constantly questioning everything... including my favorite things ie: clothes make me think not only of feeling fabulous, but of sweatshops, materialism, and my place... not the bystander, rather start the riot, but how much hollering will get me out of my cute new leopard print pumps. Materialistic, and shallow I think. No, fierce and liberating. This is what we mean when we walk the line...which may be why I've taken to referring to myself in the plural?? Do i sense a slpit? An ideological separation? Well...that's definitely how I feel about the C's. Or the sports industry in general. Talk about a modern slave trade, this picture says it best:

Gotta love the power of the image. How can I begin to describe and then actually scribe my musings about the commodification of the black body, the ways in which we are still enslaved (physically and mentally) and how blinded we are at times to our own abuse that we willingly lend ropes to the lynchers. Sometimes, not so willingly: like how Rebel Diaz was arrested and got arraigned today?! SERIOUSLY?? The NYPD are ASKING for it. Sean Bell lives on in our continued struggle and we.will.not.forget.

I met Rebel Diaz when they came out to Hampshire, along with Dead Prez, for our Hip Hop OCnference this past semester. State violence is so disgusting, but they got it all on tape, as you can see on YouTube if you follow the link, so my prayers are with those brothers, and hoping that for every man of color beaten while demanding what's rightfully his, there's a crowd of people yelling at 5-0 and a ziggin with a camera phone documenting that bull.

Ok, back to "the line". I also never agreed with the N word. but it has DEFINITELY always agreed to come out my mouth. Well, not always. I definitely didn't start until HS when I met my, then, best friend who said it alllllll the time. It's been a struggle to get rid of ever since. But now, I have "ziggin", a great replacement provided by TJ by way of Juuuuuuulie, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be ziggin it up, at least for the rest of the summer. Until I go to Africa, where it will be winter, and maybe a ziggin will let it go...? We'll see.

So, at the parade today, I saw my uncle, but he didn't see me. And most of the people I claim as family aren't at all related to me, but this one really was. Same last name and everything, was my favorite uncle when I was a kid, so i hear, I was too young to remember now, but I saw him and just watched him pass by. Funny. I have nothing against him and still think he's really great, but my whole image of family is allllll kind of messed up and I guess...I don't know, at times like there I recognize that. My sisters (actually related, same m/f) were there too, so I got to spend some time with them. We bond most off of our combined distaste for a certain person who's had a bit tooo much control over our lives. That's all we'll say about that person. But it was good to see them and be with family. Not so good? Having lunch with my boy and running into my ex-bff yesterday. AWWWK-WAAARD. That's all we'll say on THAT.

except this: I am so happy to have the people I do have in my life still here. Like I say, I know B liek no one else knows B, and I know I put up walls sometimes just to see who cares enough to break them down. And I got those people. I got my Juuuulie and my Boog, got me my Ace, and no matter what issues we have, they get resolved. THEY.GET.RESOLVED. And I think that's cause don't nobody know my like me...except ya'll. And sometimes you know me better than I know myself. So while I stress about traveling and being ACTUALLY alone after a year of crazy ups and downs and merely feeling alone, it's you all that I know I'll truly miss. So this blog is for you. I hope ya'll ziggins read it! I need to feel like I have ya'll no matter where I go, no matter what corner I call home...

...but that's never been a problem before.

exOH.